I'm honestly a pretty shitty liar.
I mean, of course I can lie if it's to keep someone I love from getting hurt. But, I can't keep secrets. I can't hide truths, I can hide my feelings though. I can tell someone straight to their face that I'm okay when, we all know for a fact, I'm most defiantly not "okay". I've hid my feelings since I was in middle school, it's just something I grew up knowing how to do with ease. It slowly became a habit. If someone asks me "What's wrong?", my instant reflex is to assure them that there is absolutely nothing wrong.
I could sit on my bed, cry for hours, then go out of my room smiling and laughing.
I have always been scared of telling people how I feel. In the past, I would vent to someone about my feelings and one of two things would happen.
- They would try to 'one up me' on this shorty scale.
- They would run away. Leave me behind by myself, to fend for myself.
You see, number two has happened a lot in my life. My friends from high school are just old classmates now. My relationships went to shit.
I'm scared. I'm scared of losing everyone, everything. I'm scared that because I fucked up, I'll keep fucking up. I'm fucking terrified that everyone will leave me again.
To tell you guys the truth, I'm not okay.
I'm depressed. I feel like I'm pushing everyone away. I feel like my family is slipping away. I feel like I'm falling into my hole.
One person is helping me through this though. Without him, I'd already be in my hole. I'd already have pushed everyone away. Without him, I'd be nothing again.
Good night or good morning,